Search Me

Clifton Suspension Bridge

2007-07-25T20:32:00.000+01:00

Bernie Clifton costume how to make

Tighten Up

2007-05-20T16:03:00.000+01:00

Does it do any harm to have trousers with a tight waist?

Yes. Trinny and Susannah will come round your house and smack your naughty bum!

Unfunny, Funny Face

2007-05-20T15:49:00.000+01:00

Aftershave that Lee Evans wears

I should imagine this was searched for by someone who saw Lee Evans live. Evans sweats a lot on stage and if he wears aftershave I'm sure the first few rows would get a pretty strong whiff.

WHICH IS THE MOST SUITABLE?

2007-05-15T20:14:00.000+01:00

1. Boring surreal picture of gormless man

2. Make your farts smell fresh

3. Odour as you get older

HOT PANTS

2007-04-18T20:33:00.000+01:00

Shorts with waistsize 48 inches in Coventry

HAIRY MONSTER

2007-01-27T21:30:00.000+01:00

In a world where polar ice caps are melting, rainforests have been plundered, carbon footprints are buggering everything up, we're on the brink of World War Three and, as 1960's protest singer Barry McGuigan said, we're on the eve of destruction and even the River Trent has got bodies floatin', it's heartening to find that so many visitors to my site are fascinated by the following subject matter:

Amy Winehouse Sideburns

Start Spreading The Germs

2007-01-14T15:14:00.000+01:00

Funeral of Frank Sinatra sore throat.

OINKS FOR THE MEMORIES

2007-01-08T20:37:00.000+01:00

Pinky & Perky Happy Birthday

Yes, happy birthday to Pinky & Perky, born on the same day in January 1955.

Now happily ensconsed in Mrs Emily Bacon's Rest Home For Retired Pigs in East Ham, the two charming old chaps spend their days watching videos of their old shows.

And why not? They've earned it.

A GUT FULL

2006-12-15T18:15:00.000+01:00

Does anyone else hate low rise jeans?

Me. In fact, I'll probably end up doing a "campaigning" post about them over on my blog.

Punch in the Mouth

2006-12-09T16:24:00.000+01:00

False Teeth Keep Breaking.

FOR BETA OR WORSE

2006-11-15T15:51:00.000+01:00

Snooker players who use Beta Blockers.

Well, what about snooker players who use Beta Blogger? Have they experienced any of the difficulties with using it that everyone else has?

BE YOUNG, BE FOOLISH, BE HAPPY

2006-11-13T13:44:00.000+01:00

What do you do to get a lad to go out with you if your a gairl aged between 12 and 13?

Hmm. It depends. If you're pursuing a lad who hopes to become an English teacher, you're not doing yourself any favours.

2006-10-26T13:19:00.000+01:00

Crufts 2006 hero dog jazz.

BEV

2006-10-03T19:50:00.000+01:00

Here's a joke I've been waiting to tell for such a long time but never had the opportunity:-

The winner of this year's Stars In Their Eyes was 47 year old Maria Darlington from Burnley. She did a stunning impression of Cher singing If I Could Turn Back Time. It was so good that Cher herself decided to take Maria on tour with her as her support act. They were billed as 'Cher and Cher-Alike'.

And if my searches are anything to go by, sexy pictures of our very own homegrown Cher, Coronation Street's Beverley Callard, are at a premium. I don't want to let anybody down, so go on, get your rocks off to the above.

What? You can't? That's because you're a tit man rather than a leg man, isn't it? You want...

Bev Callard nice tits
Beverley Callard in bra
Beverley Callard breasts

Life's tough sometimes, aint it?

But of course Mr Bev Callard in leather is a much happier man. Are you sitting comfortably on your leather sofa, young man, your laptop balanced on your manly member?

Ooh, Bev. Ooh, Bev.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

Courtesy of MJ, we now have a picture for those of you with a Bev breast fetish. There's plenty of leather on show here too (and Kevin the crocodile for wildlife fans), so this should please everyone!

"VEGETABLE PIE JIMMY OLIVER"

2006-10-02T20:48:00.000+01:00

As you can see, not only has Jamie been fatting-up for the cameras to show us all how we'll end up if we don't take his wise advice and stuff ourselves with buffalo mozzarella, the bastard's changed his name to a more traditionally working class one to try and fit in with the chip eating hordes.

Jimmy Jimmy
Jimmy Jimmy - Oooh
Jimmy Jimmy
Poor little Jimmy wouldn't let go

SOPHIE'S CHOICE

2006-09-30T10:00:00.000+01:00

Another post from the blog that likes to toot its own horn ...
or, presumably, to blow its own trumpet if you're from this side of the pond ...

There was a spike in visitor figures from "around the globe" (well, the USA and Britain) yesterday due to people looking for a picture of Sophie Ellis Bextor in my archive.

Problem is, I don't have a picture of Sophie Ellis Bextor in my archive, so there's one here by way of compensation.

I have suggested somewhere that she has legs like the frog in the excellent Evergreen Complete lawn feed advert, which you can watch here to illustrate the comparison.

Am I right, or am I right?

I WILL CHASE THE BOY IN YOU AWAY

2006-09-22T20:14:00.000+01:00

Someone from Peru stayed on my blog for a few hours after looking for

Summer The First Time YouTube - Bobby Goldsboro

I hope they enjoyed themselves over at mine, or, more specifically, that they were mesmorised. I always hope in vain that people will visit and have a road-to-Damascus style conversion and realise how great I am.

Still, they would've been better off looking here

HONEY, I MISSED YOU

2006-09-22T20:10:00.000+01:00

I think it was the man Garfer who sensibly observed that a blogger will return to his/her supposedly deceased blog in the same way that a dog returns to its turds.

Heh heh.

So Search Me returns, prompted by a spike in visitor figures for a number of people - some of whom spent quite a time on the actual blog, poor sods - who wanted to avail themselves of

Victorian Woman/bathchair

Can anyone help?

THE LAST POST

2006-07-22T15:44:00.000+01:00

Well, the last three months have been marvellous, marvellous, marvellous. However, this is one of those blogs which has blazed a trail like a comet. Its life could only be short, but dazzling.

It was probably a daft idea in the first place, the joke was getting very thin indeed and the search results were getting less and less interesting.

So the time has come to say goodbye to both of you disinterested readers. I'm crying as I type this and there is a small man playing a violin in the kitchen, which is adjacent.

All we have now are the memories, and, as a final parting shot, a picture of someone who both of us hold dear, a boy who will soon become a man and a worldwide megastar.

Thanx. Will the last visitor turn off the lights on the way out?

FLAVOUR TO SAVOUR

2006-07-18T20:22:00.000+01:00

Further to the previous post, thanks to MJ for the picture of Bobby Robson, licking lips.

Relax, please don't have nightmares ...

GOB

2006-07-16T19:17:00.000+01:00

Relax, please don't have nightmares ...

Pictures of dribbling saliva

Bobby Robson licking lips obscene

2006-07-09T11:42:00.000+01:00

ALAN SHEARER SINGING U2 IN HIS CAR ???

ALAN SHEARER MOONING PHOTOS ???

A Couple of Kooks...A COUPLE?

2006-07-02T11:07:00.000+01:00

It's all gone a bit crazy the last couple of weeks. Of course Sandi Thorn is far and away the most frequent search on Peril (as I like to call it). And of all the Sandi Thorn searches, only one says "Sandi Thorn crap". But the woodwork has squeaked and out have come the freaks...

Is there any true Psychic in Lubbock Texas?
Are you there, Buddy? Or are you an imposter?

Cold nipple blogs.
Oh come on. It's July.

How much is that doggy in the window chords.
Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.

"I'm walking in the air" - Celtic women.
The Corrs Christmas Album, maybe?

"I itch, I itch"
Have you tried Geoff's Cream?

acapella Emmerdale.
Are the rest of the Flying Pickets joining the cast?

Fat anal blogs.
Oldest woman f*cking.
Big arseholes.
Three for the price of one.

Don't badger me.
I'm not. I'm not anywhere near you.

My grandad.
Not me. I can promise you that.

Wot can I put on my barbeque.
Wot about your hand?

Michael Owen interview bollocks.
Agreed.

Roy Cropper football.
Eh?

BBC ice cream.
Is delicious, according to David Dimbleby.

Hot dream girl blog.
That's me.

"SUBSERVIENT HUSBAND"
OK, maybe for today. It is Betty's birthday after all. Just call us George and Mildred.

p.s. I posted the picture by mistake but it seems to fit in nicely. One of those happy accidents.

CANADA DRY

2006-06-26T10:08:00.000+01:00

Recently I suggested in a post that I was going to start a World Of Owen Hargreaves blog for the duration of the World Cup, in honour of the enigmatic Welsh/Canadian/possibly at least five per cent English, German-speaking player who now seems to be playing a more important role in Sven's team, and is always referred to now as "much maligned" by match commentators.

Hence the seemingly senseless search Owen Hargreaves blogspot what I had for breakfast.

It turns out that there is indeed an Owen Hargreaves blogspot written by the er, man himself which is very funny and where you can find out what he ate for breakfast. I recommend it - after watching Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard yesterday alongside David Beckham barfing up a week's worth of pizza we could do with a laugh, couldn't we?

Did you see the guy in the Portugal/Holland game? Fucking umpires, man.

A CONDOR MOMENT

2006-06-11T11:14:00.000+01:00

For the student who wishes to know the history of (the song) "have you got a light boy?"...

They started smoking young in the composer's family. A mere two months after young Danny climbed back off his father's knee, the young chap was smoking 40 a day.

Dad didn't mind, as Dad knew that whenever he needed some fire for his pipe...

IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

2006-06-09T14:27:00.000+01:00

Sometimes words can have many meanings, none of which are clear and which may seem slightly disturbing.

How to touch my sister-in-law.

*shudders to think*

RAINY DAY WOMAN

2006-06-06T20:41:00.000+01:00

At some point I had to acknowledge the woman who has helped to bolster up my daily stats for some time now: Claire Nazir.

Except that she is really called Claire Nasir. My misspelling is one that a number of people have made. The result of this is that I am no sort of authority on Claire Nasir, the GMTV weatherwoman, but I am the world's number four authority on Claire Nazir, the misspelled GMTV weatherwoman who doesn't actually exist.

I'm sure Claire Nasir has Googled Claire Nazir, just for the hell of it, and has been repulsed by my blog. Whenever I see her telling us about a band of scattered showers moving over the Welsh Marches, she is really trying to communicate to me through the medium of telepathy.

She is telling me that I am an evil, spiteful little bitch, and she is going to put a hex on every holiday that I go on. Bad weather will follow me everywhere.

KEVIN + KEEGAN + DOGGING

2006-06-03T14:38:00.000+01:00

Kevin

+ Keegan

+ dogging

CHEESY ORGAN

2006-06-01T08:56:00.000+01:00

Who played organ for Ken Dodd aged fourteen?

If you are asking which fourteen year old played the organ on Ken Dodd's show, my guess is that it would have been the man pictured above: Lord Bartlett of Cheshire.

If you are asking who played with the fourteen year old Ken Dodd's organ, then I can't provide an answer and wouldn't want to end up in court on a libel charge.

POTTIES

2006-05-28T10:52:00.000+01:00

I quite like the sort of mind that would search for pictures of a celebrity "desperate for a piss".

Maybe Jamie Oliver screwing up his face in panic at the Chelsea Flower Show as Alan Titchmarsh/Titchmouth/Titchmouse (do you too ever have the problem of not being quite sure of famous celebrities' surnames?) approaches him for a live interview on BBC2 and it's quite clear that Jamie needed a slash five minutes ago. He puckers up his face, and, true professional that he is, he goes through with the interview, exits stage left, and only then lets rip a painful stream of burning urine all over White Rose David Dimbleby while nobody's looking because they're all in the Green Room.

What the poor searcher gets instead is my blog or a site where you can see a naked old lady wolfing down old man's stick. Now I first misread this as "naked old lady wolfing down old man's sick" which is just too disgusting for words.

*******

F*ck you, Geoff.

I've quite often mentally said "f*ck you" to many people over the years but it's never come out of my mouth. There is a great episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry has an argument with a bloke called Hugh. Rather than saying "F*ck you, Hugh", he succinctly says "F*ck Hugh".

Now I'm on the receiving end of the insult, I'm not so sure I like it any more.

Please note the use of the asterisk in this and future posts when using stronger swear words. Our younger readers such as Richard Fleeshamn and the Fleeshman Girls need to be protected. Besides, it allows me to use the word c*nt which I have shied away from up till now.

TEARS FOR BEERS

2006-05-24T09:01:00.000+01:00

Phew! Those crazy Tears For Fears searches! Will they ever end?

Roland Orzabal dance
Bath music history (tears for fear)
Kurt Smith and Roland ______?
Everybody Wants To "Ruin" The World
The Other One from Tears For Fears
Roland Borzalal On Multi Coloured Swap Shop?
"Angle Lamp" dance steps
Shout, shout, let it all out lyrics
Silly pop dancers from 1980's
Does Roland Orzibal have a pet iguana?
Drippy "primal scream therapy", rubbish lyrics
Feeling kind of funny, feeling kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had??????
Richard Jobson versus Roland Orzabal dance competition blog

Go away! This is a Richard Fleeeshman blog, not a Tears For Fears blog! I don't know who Kurt Smith is married to or anything!

IT IS A DISGRACE THAT THIS IS NOT OUR MAN IN EUROPE

2006-05-19T13:10:00.000+01:00

Hello, girls. Look, here's a picture of Richard playing the piano. No hands, ma!

But seriously, this one's for you, RF: Richard Fleeshman wearing non gothic clothes.

God, doesn't it feel good to get out of those smelly old black things and slip on a nice fresh light blue cotton Oxford shirt and cream chinos?

Are you watching Eurovision tomorrow, Richard? It should be you rather than that Daz creature, shouldn't it? What do you think of his schoolgirl sidekicks? Too much puppy fat?

*******

And yet another message to Grandad. How many times do I have to tell you? It'll make you go blind. You're almost deaf as it is. Black perverted grannies, indeed!

"THERE WERE THREE FEET IN THIS MARRIAGE" ...

2006-05-17T15:42:00.000+01:00

So, it has been announced today that Paul "Sir Paul", "Thumbs Up" "Fab Macca" "Judey Judey Judey" "Mull Of Kintyre" "Thumbs Up" McCartney and Heather "Lady Macbeth" "Can't Put One Foot In Front Of The Other" "This Lady's Not For Turning" "Not The One With The Frozen Vegetarian Meal Line" "Lady Mills-Macbeth" Mills-McCartney are to split up.

A shame, of course, but it means that today I have had a flood of visitors asking for ...

Heather Mills joke.

What, just the one joke. Is it a joke that Paul allegedly told which was the "straw that broke the camel's back" in their troubled marriage"?

I'd be grateful to anyone who can provide an answer.

Oh, and I've not posted this in the hope of increasing the number of visitors because of dozens of people looking for Heather Mills joke. Oh no.

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE WELL-READ?

2006-05-14T12:06:00.000+01:00

This week I've had searches from daytime television addicts. I quite regularly get searches from presumably the same person wanting to know everything about the Jeremy Kyle Show broadcast on March 26th. But now I'm getting more queries, even though the only time I get to watch tv between the hours of 7.30 a.m. and 6.15 p.m. is when I'm at the dentist's.

So, Richard and Judy Bogey. Is there a bogey which links their nostrils? When they kiss first thing in the morning, does Richard's snot mix with Judy's to form a strong elastic bond which stretches only as far as to keep Richard within speaking distance of Judy in the supermarket?

Next time you watch, if you see a line across the screen, it's not necessarily your telly playing up.

And Trim Right Slimming Tablets Blog. Sorry to disappoint, but the only advice I can give to those who want to lose weight is to eat and drink less and more healthily, and exercise more. Which also means no more daytime telly.

There are no easy answers, I'm afraid.

THE NAME'S BOND, JENNIE BOND

2006-05-11T13:00:00.000+01:00

I look at engine searches and sometimes it seems as though I have made accusations about people in the public eye in my blog, when I know that I haven't. I love famous people. After all, they're famous because people like them!

Jennie Bond awful

I don't have a bad word to say about the BBC's former "Court" correspondent, which means she used to stand in front of a camera regaling us with stories of "things" that had happened to the royal family. Not that much ever happens to the royal family, except that Charles talks to his plants and HRH the Queen walks the corgis dressed like an old woman going to the corner shop in the 1950's or watches Eastenders to find out how her subjects behave.

No, Jennie was merely a mouthpiece for the BBC's royal arselicking.

I'm sure she was a spirited gel and jolly good fun when there was a midnight feast in the dorm.

The fact that she has cheekbones like a macaque gives her a distinguished and characterful appearance.

As the emptyheaded girls who write for gossip magazines would say, "Jen, you go girl!!!"

HOW HIGH?

2006-05-07T10:47:00.000+01:00

Here's Marc Bolan at his local garden centre on the lookout for unusual tubs.

How tall do you reckon? Marc Bolan 5 feet 4 inches?

Using the flying v guitar he's holding as a scale, I'd guess the searcher would be about right.

*******

In other searching news this week, Dirty Richard Fleeshman is still pulling in the viewers.

The one-way argument over my Audience With Corrie post has finally bitten the dust with the scathing "GO HOME SILLY SILLY DUMB CRITIC IDIOTS!"

LOL, girls. I suppose I'm just as much a critic as Richard's a musician. My one shot at fame and I've blown it.

*******

Odds & Sods:-

1. Looking for case that holds watches only
2. Cinderella Sweaty Bollocks
3. Does Seth Lakeman have a girlfriend?
4. Jane Horrocks annoying voice
5. How long has Billy Childish been married?
6. What was "Mike Baldwin's" funeral music?
7. 400 metre runner's cough

LAWN MOWER

2006-05-04T17:47:00.000+01:00

Sadly, many people are directed to my site asking questions that I can't answer.

So it is with some relief that I can report that I can actually answer the following question that appeared on my stats:

Is there a reason why Patrick Mower doesn't wear a tie?

Well, when Patrick was 13 years old several boys at school were jealous of his burgeoning good looks. He was of course to go on the be one of Britain's dishiest men, and at the time he already had 5 - count 'em! - girlfriends on the go.

For some of the boys this proved too much. Walking home from school through a short cut one day, Patrick was confronted by the bullying oafs who wrenched Patrick's school tie around his neck so that he could barely breathe, and tied all his limbs up to some iron railings with their own ties.

As this was on a Friday night, and the area was not near any housing, Patrick had to wait for a terrifying day and a half before an old woman attending a nearby church service saw and rescued him.

Patrick had burns around his neck.

Understandably, since then he has been reluctant to wear a tie. He was given a special school note excusing him from wearing one. If he walks past the shop Tie Rack he is likely to have a panic attack, so tries to avoid that establishment if at all possible.

This has lead to the smart/casual, open shirted look which drives older ladies wild.

A heartening tale of someone who has triumphed over adversity.

Glad to be of service!

RICHARD FLEESHMAN MAD

2006-05-01T14:38:00.000+01:00

He does look mad, doesn't he? Mad that I said he was pretending to play the piano. I didn't mean it, Richard. I know you're a talented pianist/singer. And I'd like to apologise to these young ladies too. I was only being tongue-in-cheek, girls.

So, the inaugural Geoff search me post goes a little something like this:-

1. Sean Bean false teeth
2. How many wives did Ken Barlow have?
3. Which pub did Marvin Gaye stay in when he was in Ostend?
4. Bald Axl Rose
5. Shit blog "it's anything"
6. Jesus Christ + wet dreams
7. Freebasing cocaine pictures
8. Seventy-one in dreams
9. Freemasons Sting Geldof
10. How does Richard Fleeshman do his hair?

Now I know that Sean Bean is rumoured to have dentures I feel a lot better about my molars which have been giving me so much trouble this year.

And "shit blog, it's anything". Where else would they be directed to?

Oh, and I've deliberately left out the ruder ones as I'm a bit fed up with my perverted readers who seem obsessed with grannies doing rude things. Leave it alone, grandad!

SHEER STOCKINGS

2006-05-01T08:45:00.000+01:00

Having just seen the stats for this site so far, I'd like to say a big, big, warm "hello!!" to our sixth reader, a mystery visitor from the Scilly Isles. I bet it's a bit choppy out in your part of the world today!

Meanwhile, over on my site someone was searching for Sheerness slags.

He/she was on the site for 19 hours, 36 minutes.

Presuming that he/she is living in Britain, he/she could have driven to Sheerness to find some slags in that time.

I have been to Sheerness, and I wouldn't recommend that anybody else visit the place for more than a few seconds, even if they want to find some slags.

HELLO EVERYBODY

2006-04-27T19:30:00.000+01:00

Hello everybody.

Due to unprecedented demand (well, actually no demand) here is a new blog which will be devoted to those search engine searches which lead readers to Betty & Geoff's blogs.

This is doomed to fail, you do realise.