Sunday, May 28, 2006

 

POTTIES

I quite like the sort of mind that would search for pictures of a celebrity "desperate for a piss".

Maybe Jamie Oliver screwing up his face in panic at the Chelsea Flower Show as Alan Titchmarsh/Titchmouth/Titchmouse (do you too ever have the problem of not being quite sure of famous celebrities' surnames?) approaches him for a live interview on BBC2 and it's quite clear that Jamie needed a slash five minutes ago. He puckers up his face, and, true professional that he is, he goes through with the interview, exits stage left, and only then lets rip a painful stream of burning urine all over White Rose David Dimbleby while nobody's looking because they're all in the Green Room.

What the poor searcher gets instead is my blog or a site where you can see a naked old lady wolfing down old man's stick. Now I first misread this as "naked old lady wolfing down old man's sick" which is just too disgusting for words.


*******


F*ck you, Geoff.

I've quite often mentally said "f*ck you" to many people over the years but it's never come out of my mouth. There is a great episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry has an argument with a bloke called Hugh. Rather than saying "F*ck you, Hugh", he succinctly says "F*ck Hugh".

Now I'm on the receiving end of the insult, I'm not so sure I like it any more.


Please note the use of the asterisk in this and future posts when using stronger swear words. Our younger readers such as Richard Fleeshamn and the Fleeshman Girls need to be protected. Besides, it allows me to use the word c*nt which I have shied away from up till now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

 

TEARS FOR BEERS

Roland Butter
Phew! Those crazy Tears For Fears searches! Will they ever end?

Roland Orzabal dance
Bath music history (tears for fear)
Kurt Smith and Roland ______?
Everybody Wants To "Ruin" The World
The Other One from Tears For Fears
Roland Borzalal On Multi Coloured Swap Shop?
"Angle Lamp" dance steps
Shout, shout, let it all out lyrics
Silly pop dancers from 1980's
Does Roland Orzibal have a pet iguana?

Drippy "primal scream therapy", rubbish lyrics
Feeling kind of funny, feeling kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had??????
Richard Jobson versus Roland Orzabal dance competition blog

Go away! This is a Richard Fleeeshman blog, not a Tears For Fears blog! I don't know who Kurt Smith is married to or anything!

Friday, May 19, 2006

 

IT IS A DISGRACE THAT THIS IS NOT OUR MAN IN EUROPE



Hello, girls. Look, here's a picture of Richard playing the piano. No hands, ma!

But seriously, this one's for you, RF: Richard Fleeshman wearing non gothic clothes.

God, doesn't it feel good to get out of those smelly old black things and slip on a nice fresh light blue cotton Oxford shirt and cream chinos?

Are you watching Eurovision tomorrow, Richard? It should be you rather than that Daz creature, shouldn't it? What do you think of his schoolgirl sidekicks? Too much puppy fat?


*******

And yet another message to Grandad. How many times do I have to tell you? It'll make you go blind. You're almost deaf as it is. Black perverted grannies, indeed!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

 

"THERE WERE THREE FEET IN THIS MARRIAGE" ...

So, it has been announced today that Paul "Sir Paul", "Thumbs Up" "Fab Macca" "Judey Judey Judey" "Mull Of Kintyre" "Thumbs Up" McCartney and Heather "Lady Macbeth" "Can't Put One Foot In Front Of The Other" "This Lady's Not For Turning" "Not The One With The Frozen Vegetarian Meal Line" "Lady Mills-Macbeth" Mills-McCartney are to split up.

A shame, of course, but it means that today I have had a flood of visitors asking for ...

Heather Mills joke.

What, just the one joke. Is it a joke that Paul allegedly told which was the "straw that broke the camel's back" in their troubled marriage"?

I'd be grateful to anyone who can provide an answer.

Oh, and I've not posted this in the hope of increasing the number of visitors because of dozens of people looking for Heather Mills joke. Oh no.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

 

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE WELL-READ?



This week I've had searches from daytime television addicts. I quite regularly get searches from presumably the same person wanting to know everything about the Jeremy Kyle Show broadcast on March 26th. But now I'm getting more queries, even though the only time I get to watch tv between the hours of 7.30 a.m. and 6.15 p.m. is when I'm at the dentist's.

So, Richard and Judy Bogey. Is there a bogey which links their nostrils? When they kiss first thing in the morning, does Richard's snot mix with Judy's to form a strong elastic bond which stretches only as far as to keep Richard within speaking distance of Judy in the supermarket?

Next time you watch, if you see a line across the screen, it's not necessarily your telly playing up.

And Trim Right Slimming Tablets Blog. Sorry to disappoint, but the only advice I can give to those who want to lose weight is to eat and drink less and more healthily, and exercise more. Which also means no more daytime telly.

There are no easy answers, I'm afraid.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

 

THE NAME'S BOND, JENNIE BOND



I look at engine searches and sometimes it seems as though I have made accusations about people in the public eye in my blog, when I know that I haven't. I love famous people. After all, they're famous because people like them!

Jennie Bond awful

I don't have a bad word to say about the BBC's former "Court" correspondent, which means she used to stand in front of a camera regaling us with stories of "things" that had happened to the royal family. Not that much ever happens to the royal family, except that Charles talks to his plants and HRH the Queen walks the corgis dressed like an old woman going to the corner shop in the 1950's or watches Eastenders to find out how her subjects behave.

No, Jennie was merely a mouthpiece for the BBC's royal arselicking.

I'm sure she was a spirited gel and jolly good fun when there was a midnight feast in the dorm.

The fact that she has cheekbones like a macaque gives her a distinguished and characterful appearance.

As the emptyheaded girls who write for gossip magazines would say, "Jen, you go girl!!!"

Sunday, May 07, 2006

 

HOW HIGH?



Here's Marc Bolan at his local garden centre on the lookout for unusual tubs.

How tall do you reckon? Marc Bolan 5 feet 4 inches?

Using the flying v guitar he's holding as a scale, I'd guess the searcher would be about right.

*******

In other searching news this week, Dirty Richard Fleeshman is still pulling in the viewers.

The one-way argument over my Audience With Corrie post has finally bitten the dust with the scathing "GO HOME SILLY SILLY DUMB CRITIC IDIOTS!"

LOL, girls. I suppose I'm just as much a critic as Richard's a musician. My one shot at fame and I've blown it.

*******

Odds & Sods:-

1. Looking for case that holds watches only
2. Cinderella Sweaty Bollocks
3. Does Seth Lakeman have a girlfriend?
4. Jane Horrocks annoying voice
5. How long has Billy Childish been married?
6. What was "Mike Baldwin's" funeral music?
7. 400 metre runner's cough


Thursday, May 04, 2006

 

LAWN MOWER

Sadly, many people are directed to my site asking questions that I can't answer.

So it is with some relief that I can report that I can actually answer the following question that appeared on my stats:

Is there a reason why Patrick Mower doesn't wear a tie?

Well, when Patrick was 13 years old several boys at school were jealous of his burgeoning good looks. He was of course to go on the be one of Britain's dishiest men, and at the time he already had 5 - count 'em! - girlfriends on the go.

For some of the boys this proved too much. Walking home from school through a short cut one day, Patrick was confronted by the bullying oafs who wrenched Patrick's school tie around his neck so that he could barely breathe, and tied all his limbs up to some iron railings with their own ties.

As this was on a Friday night, and the area was not near any housing, Patrick had to wait for a terrifying day and a half before an old woman attending a nearby church service saw and rescued him.

Patrick had burns around his neck.

Understandably, since then he has been reluctant to wear a tie. He was given a special school note excusing him from wearing one. If he walks past the shop Tie Rack he is likely to have a panic attack, so tries to avoid that establishment if at all possible.

This has lead to the smart/casual, open shirted look which drives older ladies wild.

A heartening tale of someone who has triumphed over adversity.

Glad to be of service!

Monday, May 01, 2006

 

RICHARD FLEESHMAN MAD



He does look mad, doesn't he? Mad that I said he was pretending to play the piano. I didn't mean it, Richard. I know you're a talented pianist/singer. And I'd like to apologise to these young ladies too. I was only being tongue-in-cheek, girls.

So, the inaugural Geoff search me post goes a little something like this:-

1. Sean Bean false teeth
2. How many wives did Ken Barlow have?
3. Which pub did Marvin Gaye stay in when he was in Ostend?
4. Bald Axl Rose
5. Shit blog "it's anything"
6. Jesus Christ + wet dreams
7. Freebasing cocaine pictures
8. Seventy-one in dreams
9. Freemasons Sting Geldof
10. How does Richard Fleeshman do his hair?

Now I know that Sean Bean is rumoured to have dentures I feel a lot better about my molars which have been giving me so much trouble this year.

And "shit blog, it's anything". Where else would they be directed to?

Oh, and I've deliberately left out the ruder ones as I'm a bit fed up with my perverted readers who seem obsessed with grannies doing rude things. Leave it alone, grandad!

 

SHEER STOCKINGS

Having just seen the stats for this site so far, I'd like to say a big, big, warm "hello!!" to our sixth reader, a mystery visitor from the Scilly Isles. I bet it's a bit choppy out in your part of the world today!

Meanwhile, over on my site someone was searching for Sheerness slags.

He/she was on the site for 19 hours, 36 minutes.

Presuming that he/she is living in Britain, he/she could have driven to Sheerness to find some slags in that time.

I have been to Sheerness, and I wouldn't recommend that anybody else visit the place for more than a few seconds, even if they want to find some slags.

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